Emma's antics!

I've decided that Emma truly is her papa's girl.  I have four reasons for this belief.

1. The obvious - She looks just like him!

2. She LOVES meatloaf.  I made Danny his favorite dish, my (or my Grandma Binger's) homemade meatloaf recipe for his birthday dinner last weekend.  I thought it was a bit spicy, but Emma and Danny devoured it! :-)  That takes me to my next point...

3. She handles spicy food way better than I do.  She had some of my salsa chicken today, which I thought was very spicy.  Emma ate almost an entire plate full!

4. She sure knows how to milk an illness/sickness.  Yesterday she was reading a book (specifically her new Jesus Storybook Bible) and was getting kind of rough with the pages.  I told her she needed to be careful, and with her typical Emma stubbornness, she looked me straight in the eye and began ripping a page.  I quickly took the book from her and she began to cry.  I assumed the tears were over the fact that she still wanted to read it so I told her she was fine, and that she needed to listen to mama.  A couple of minutes later I noticed her staring down at her hands.  It's then that I realized that in pulling the book out of her hand I had given her a small paper cut, which is probably why she was crying. I, of course felt horrible, and snuggled her, kissed it, and told her I was very sorry for hurting her.  So, as she sat happily reading another book, she would occasionally look at her hand, give me a sad look, go "oooooh" which is kind of the sound I make when I'm comforting her, and reach for a hug from me.  I'd hug and snuggle her and then she'd go back to reading her book only to do it all over again a few minutes later.  She knew I felt bad and realized she could easily milk that situation! :-)

Another cute story.  Lately, when she wants something, she has come to her own conclusion that she needs to sit down and be patient (I guess that's what she's thinking).  When I ask her if she wants a snack, she will take her bink (if she has it) and place it on the closest surface she can find and then sit down in the middle of the floor.  I have NO IDEA what made her start doing this.  The other day, I asked her what she wanted for a snack.  I would offer her ideas and she would just shake her head no.  When I asked if she wanted a smoothie, she quickly took her bink, put it on a chair behind her, and sat down right outside the kitchen door.  So, I thought at first it must be that she's use to sitting down to eat, so she was just sitting there since I hadn't already put her in her high chair.  But then, tonight she did it while waiting for a bath.  She LOVES taking baths, so when I said it was bath time she quickly headed in there.  She started to get things ready, and as soon as she heard the water come one, she quickly sat down on the floor behind me and waited until I was ready to take her clothes off.  I'm not sure how long this will last, but it's cute and can be quite helpful in some situations, so I'll take it! :-)

It's been too long...

So, I'm not sure where the time has gone.  It's been way too long since I've posted anything on this blog.  I don't want to just stop posting all together, so I'm going to try to make it more of a habit to update everyone on our lives.

In January, Emma was a very active and fun 8-month-old.  Now, we have an extremely active and funny 16 month old.  Oh, how time flies.  She isn't talking a lot yet, but she definitely understands more than we would have thought.  She has recently went from not walking to walking up and down steps without help and running around everywhere!  She's definitely an independent little girl!  She really thinks she's got it all under control and doesn't need our help anymore when it comes to climbing and playing.  She loves to climb up and down the stairs on the climbing frame at the park and walking too and from the car on her own.  It's so cute to see her independence shining through!

She's starting to talk a little.  Her favorite word is ball, and she will say ball anytime we point to something and ask her what it is.  She can sign more and all done and says the cutest little uh oh ever!  We're working on some other words, but it's coming slowly.

So, now we're taking on the effort of starting a daycare.  I've had one child coming for the past two and a half months, and now I have two other children starting in September.  It's an exciting time!  Emma has finally gotten used to another baby being here two days a week, so we'll see what she does when one is here five days!  I'm hoping the transition goes okay, and she likes having new playmates in the house.  This will hopefully prepare her for the day in the [distant] future that she has a sibling! :-)

So, it's short but for now that's all I have.  Things have busy, and it looks like it's going to be a busy fall.  Hopefully I can start trying to do this about once a week or every other week!  Here's a couple of cute Emma pics before I go!

I have a feeling this one is going to keep us on our toes! :-)

Kicking back in the rocker with a book and... the green ball.  We can't leave out the green ball!

She is determined to eat a raw carrot like me... :-)  Miss Independent!

Her new rain boots from Great-grandma Binger!  She LOVES them!

Playing the drum at the zoo.  She had such a good time!

Gymnastics...

One of the things I want to work on this year is spending more time focused on Emma.  I want to make it a priority to spend uninterrupted time with her each day!  So, for the time being, one of the ways we're doing that through mommy and me classes at My Gym.  We started with a month of free classes at The Little Gym, and then Riri bought Emma some classes for Christmas.  I have taken all of the kids I nannied for to My Gym, so when it came time to actually pay for classes somewhere, I chose to go to My Gym.  So, here are some cute pictures of my baby girl enjoying her class!

This was taken on my old phone, which was always blurry.  She was playing on the air mattress here!

We were doing her "exercises" here!

Playing on the parachute!

Climbing around, exploring the gym! She gets so excited about a whole room full of stuff she can touch!

Playing (eating) the shakers!

All of the above pictures were taken at Little Gym, and the below are all at My Gym!

Here she is at My Gym exploring the ball pit!

Again, crawling around and exploring the gym!

She turned over the tube next to her, and discovered it was full of pompoms!

Swinging on the trapeze!

Chillin in the swings!

She enjoyed the trampoline, even if she couldn't jump on it!

And, when I said enjoyed the trampoline, I meant chewed on the trampoline! :-)

I am excited to see her grow through these classes.  She's already started to figure out how to crawl on things, and she's figuring out how to get off of things somewhat safely.  It's so much fun to watch her explore and discover new things!

Year End...

So, it's been a few weeks (okay, more like 8) since I have written anything on here.  Life has been pretty busy and crazy during that time, with holiday fun and traveling to Illinois, so I just didn't have a ton of time to sit down and type.  But, as 2012 is beginning, I thought now would be a good time to reflect on this past year, and share some of the lessons I have learned along the way!

I will start by saying this year has been one with many ups and downs, some rather big while others were small.  Let's look back on this past year!

It started out with a small "up" when after finding out we were going to have a baby girl in December, we finally chose to name her Emma Moses! :-)

This was followed quickly by the hardest part of my year, the death of my father.  I found out he was sick in early January, and within a few weeks it went from something that would "easily" be cured, to something that quickly took his life.  While I expected to some day have to bury my dad, I definitely didn't think it would be anytime soon.  I think one of the hardest parts for me now is that he never got to meet his granddaughter!  I know how proud of her he would have been and how much he would have loved her!

In March, there was a major event that can be looked at as a sad as well as a happy one.  I had my last day of work, taking care of Isobel and Rudie, after 4+ years with them.  It was sad because they had become almost like family to me (the kids as well as their parents) and happy because I was leaving to take care of my own baby!

The end of April brought a couple of weeks that seemed very difficult at the time... Emma being almost a full 2 weeks late!  All I wanted was to meet her, snuggle her, and begin sharing our lives with her.  And, she just wanted to stay right where she was.

Which brings us to May 2 and the biggest and happiest event of the year, the birth of our beautiful Emma!  Weighing in at 8 lbs 7 oz, and needing to be "forced"out via pitocin and a c-section, she finally made her appearance.  And, she captured our hearts from the very beginning! :-)

Emma and I had the pleasure of attending the wedding of one of my very best girl friends, Wendi Anderson!  It was a jammed packed but fun weekend of weeding fun in Nashville when Emma was just 5 weeks old.  She did well and delighted everyone she met!

The rest of the summer adjusting to being a family of three. That took a little time as we had to work through sleep issues, work around home construction, and had a steady stream of family visiting and other house guests that, as welcome as they may be, still put a kink in the normal schedule!  Overall it was a very enjoyable and relaxing summer.

Our fall has been full of exciting developments as Emma went from an immobile little girl to one who is crawling all over the floor, getting into any and everything she can, and even learning to cruise along the couch.  We got to take her to a pumpkin patch, trick-or-treating, to walk through Christmas lights, and to meet Santa for the first time.  It is so exciting to see her start to explore and figure out the world around her.  I know the next year will be full of even more developments and excitement!

This year has also brought with it a lot of lessons, mainly dealing with becoming a new parent (and some about becoming home owners).  Some of these lessons I should have already known, but apparently still needed to be taught anyway, while others were completely new!  Here are just a few of them:

• All of the best and worst things you've heard about pregnancy are all true!  Pregnancy is one of the most exciting things I have ever went through, but there were definitely many hard and uncomfortable times.  Still, ever bit of it was worth it!
• Getting up every couple of hours to empty the pan under a leaky toilet is way more frustrating than waking up to feed a baby, no matter how often that baby needs you.  The toilet just isn't near as cute! :-)
• Everyone always says they forget all of the "hard" parts of pregnancy and childbirth.  I never understood that until now.  They hand you this precious little baby and every frustrating moment, every bit of pain you've been through, and every moment you were ready to give up, disappear from your mind completely.  I guess when your heart is so full of love for this new, beautiful little one, there is no longer room for all of the "bad" stuff!
• Taking care of other's children will never be the same as taking care of your own, no matter how much you care about them or how much like family they become!  There is just a deeper attachment for your own children that is there from the start, than could ever develop from a child you aren't actually parenting! *note, when I say "your own" I am considering in that kids you have adopted.  Kids that aren't your own are those you are only taking care of part of the time!
• Work really is work, and no matter how much you enjoy your job, not having a job but instead staying home to take care of my baby, will always be more appealing, even though that in and of itself is work! (at least for me)
• You can't, no matter how hard you try, make a baby sleep.  No amount of bouncing, shushing, singing, rocking, nursing, or soothing will put a baby to sleep, when that baby is determined to stay awake.
• A hole in the house must be fixed immediately.  There is no choice to call someone else, wait until morning, or give up!  Even if it is very late at night, neighbors are screaming for you to stop, and there are bugs biting you everywhere, work must continue until the hole in the wall is gone! (This one was a lesson Danny learned)
• With babies, there will be good sleep days and bad sleep days.  Good days are those in which the baby could sleep through the house falling down around her.  Bad days are those on which one of her grandmas, living in IL, could whisper her name, and she would wake up ready to play.  There is no way of knowing which day it is on any given day without testing out the proverbial whisper (ie, vacuuming too close to her room, dumping recycling in the bin outside her bedroom window, or simply stepping too close to her door while she's sleeping).  Also, on some "bad" days she'll wake up and go right back under while others she will be awake for good.  Again, there is no way of knowing what day it is without trying to put the screaming baby girl back to sleep. :-)
• When doing any type of home construction, make sure you have ALL the details figured out before you start the project, to avoid paying someone to come in a redo part of the project!
• Also, know the height of the chairs you're going to put in the back row as well as the front row, so you can be sure before you pay the price for them that the person sitting in the back row will be able to see over your head!
• Learning to be a "couple" again when there is a third person added in there is more difficult than some may guess.
• After having a baby, it's amazing how cute fingers, toes, teeth, sneezes, hiccups, and even disobedience can become! :-)
• Home repair will always take longer than you think, be more expensive than you think, and in the middle will leave you ready to just quit!  But, in the end, it will all be worth it!
• It is amazing as to the sheer amount of people who think it is their place to touch your baby, squeeze her cheeks, rub her head, hold her hand, and even hold her!  And, some of those people don't get the gentle reminders you try to give, but instead require a very blunt, "Please don't touch my baby!"
• Traveling with a baby under 1 should probably be avoided!
• After buying a house, money takes on a whole new meaning... In the past, something costing $300 was a lot of money!  Now, hearing a new roof will cost around $7000 is considered very reasonable!

So that was how our last year rounded out!  Overall it was a fantastic year, and hopefully 2012 will be just as wonderful!  God has richly blessed our family with a wonderful house, a beautiful baby girl, and a very fun, and easy relationship between Danny and I!  We have enjoyed moving in, making renovations, and daydreaming about what we'll do next to our house!  We've also truly enjoyed watching Miss Emma learn and grow into the little mover and shaker she is now!  I can't wait to see what this year holds!

Feeling richly blessed,

Brandi

Halloween...

This year, we were especially excited for Halloween!  There isn't much that is more fun than dressing your already adorable baby in a cute costume to get lots of pictures! :-)  We really made sure we enjoyed this time.

We decided to go for a gender neutral costume for the first couple of years, in case we do every have a boy.  Baby costumes are expensive enough!  So, this year Emma was a dinosaur! :-)

Our first Halloween adventure of the season was the annual Harleween.  For those who don't know what this is, it is a huge party thrown by one of our pastors and his wife for their wedding anniversary.  They too, are lovers of Halloween, so every year they have a themed costume party.  The first year we went was for their 10th anniversary so they did a Venetian Carnivale theme (still probably my favorite thus far).  Last year was The Big Easy theme, complete with some swing dancing (not exactly, but close... whatever style of dancing they did in the 20s).  It too was fun to dress up for!  This year, the did a rock and roll theme.  You could come dressed as any rocker, real or fake, but there could only be one of each person.  If the person spanned the decades and had different looks, you could choose to come as different versions as the same person, but not exactly the same.  As Danny and I are both music dumb (for the most part) this wasn't an easy year for us.  Also, we were working on sleep training right around the time for Harleween, so we weren't even sure if we were going to be able to go.  So, we never put a lot of thought into our costume.  In the end, we dressed Emma up in her dino costume, and said we were the people from Denver, the Last Dinosaur.  In case you need to be reminded of what that is...

Here we are as the band members of Denver...

The resemblance is uncanny, right?!? :-)

We only stayed for about an hour at the party, but got to enjoy some time chatting with friends.  The following Monday night was trick-or-treat night (and Halloween) in the area, so we dressed up our little dino again, and took her over to Mill Creek Town Center and walked her around.  Since she's too young for candy, and we had tons of candy at our house already, we decided not to actually trick-or-treat with her.  We just walked up and down the street watching all of the other families and getting ideas for years to come.  Emma also discovered that her parents could have been a LOT meaner when it came to costume choices.  Danny and I also picked up some Starbucks drinks, which Emma tried to take from us the entire walk.  We only stayed out about 20 minutes or so, because she started to get a bit of a cough, and we wanted to bring her home and put her to bed.  Here are some pics of our short time together!

Papa showing her how to be a dino!

Isn't she just adorable! :-)

My baby girl and I (love the tongue out!)

We are a little picture happy :-)  Now I have to be a dino with her!

I realize this is a blurry picture of her face.  I left it in because she loves to eat papa's phone, which is exactly what she's going for here! :-)

My little Denver! :-)

The night ended with the bean in bed early (due to a continued cough when we got home) and Danny and I opening the door to trick-or-treaters while we fixed dinner.  This was fun at first, until a bunch of teenagers came to the door, ringing the bell 10 times before I could get to the door.  With a sleeping, sick baby at home, this was enough for us to decide it was time to turn off the light!  And, thus ended Halloween 2011 for us.  Overall, it was pretty uneventful.  I didn't even manage to get out the decorations this year.  Next year, I'm sure it will be much more exciting, and I'll be sure to actually decorate then!

Now, on to my FAVORITE holiday.... :-)

Raising Jesus loving, Jesus serving children...

I am currently reading the book "Shepherding a Child's Heart" and I have been very convicted by it (as I was told I would be from the person who gave me the book).  It completely changes many of the ideas I had on how to be a "good" parent.

How many of you out there struggle with the desire to have others think highly of your children?  You really want your kids to be looked at as the smartest, the most well behaved, the most talented, the most generous child...  Even before I had a baby of my own, I really struggled with these ideas.  Being a nanny, and seeing children who had every opportunity open to them because their parents had large, disposable incomes didn't help me in my struggle to look at parenting differently.  I still tend towards those feelings now.  I want people to look at Emma and think highly of her, so that when people look at me, they will think I am the parent who has it all together.  I want to be looked at as a good, loving parent to Emma.  I realize this is a sinful way of thinking, but you should know it is something I struggle against all of the time.

But, reading this book is reminding me of the more important aspect of parenting.  It isn't about me at all (imagine that)!!  Emma isn't even really mine to raise how I want.  Emma belongs to God, and he has just given me the blessing and gift to have a small part in raising her.  He loves her so much more than I ever could and wants better things for her than I can even imagine.  So, when I make choices in parenting, it isn't about how I look to others or about how she appears to others.  It is about whether or not she has a true relationship with God and how deeply that relationship goes.  I am supposed to teach her how to trust God with every aspect of her life, to be content in whatever good times or hardships he sends her ways, and to find joy in Christ no matter what is happening in her life.

Thinking about these ideas (which are not new to me, but that I need to be reminded of daily) make parenting seem like the most daunting task ever.  Then, I have to be reminded that it isn't my job to teach these things to Emma, but for me to be open to allow God to use me as he wants, so that he can reveal Himself to her as he chooses.  He can do through me, that which otherwise would be impossible!  Again, it isn't about me at all (do you see a theme here??)!!

My prayer for Emma is that she really meets Jesus!  I don't want her to be a Sunday Christian, who goes to church because it's just what you do, or because that's where her friends will be.  I don't want her to say she's a Christian, because that's what her parents say and so she just assumes she's the same thing.  I want God to be real to her.  I want her to see Him as an active participant in her daily life, her sole protector, her comfort, her best friend, her everything!  I want her life to be surrounded by Christ and to completely revolve around her relationship with Him.

How can I be used by God to help lead her down this path??  First and foremost I need to begin with ME!!  There are things in my life that I need to change so that I am working towards that type of relationship with Christ.  Emma seeing that type of relationship between God and I, or not seeing it, will not determine if she has that or not.  Many people are raised by parents with very different beliefs but find God anyway, and vice versa!  But, if I have this type of relationship, she will have a model to follow if she so chooses!  So, there are a few things I am trying to work on now!

• If you look to the right side of my main page, there is a list of 10 ways to nurture your children.  Number 2 is to honor your husband so that they will grow to honor him too.  I tend to be a very defensive person (not a fun thing to admit, but true nonetheless).  When Danny will try to talk with me about something that bugs him, I am the woman who wants to fight back about how he does the same thing, or it isn't that big of a deal so he should just let it be this time.  This isn't how I want Emma to learn to handle critique.  I want her to be able to listen when she's wronged someone, repent to them and to God, and make restitution with them.  I also want her to learn to respect her father (who is a wonderful one who is very deserving of respect) as the leader of our family.  She isn't going to do that naturally, especially if her mother doesn't.  So, I am trying to work on that now!
• I need to be spending more time in the word and praying with Jesus.  I have been involved in Bible Study Fellowship lately which has been wonderful for me.  It is helping me get back to my close, loving relationship with my Father!
• I need to always remember to find my identity in Christ!!  As you could tell by my earlier statements, I am a very selfish person, who's thoughts usually center around myself.  If I am worried about how I appear to others or trying to find fulfillment in how others make me feel, I will always be disappointed.  I will never be the "perfect parent" that I want others to believe I am, so why try pretending

I have been following some different blogs, and one of the ones I was on talked about women finally admitting that they weren't perfect.  Instead of trying to seem to have everything together, they were opening a discussion about how together they all weren't!  It was refreshing to read through the responses from people and seeing that we all struggle with the same issues.  If it isn't one thing, it is another.  If we are trying to put our identity in any of those things, we will live a life full of heart ache and disappointment.  The only place we can put our identity to not be disappointed, is in Christ.  So, right now, that is what I am working on.

When it comes to Emma, this book is teaching me to really look to her heart instead of her actions for discipline or rebuke.  Everything we do, say, or are comes from what's in our heart!

Proverbs 4:23 - "Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life."

I am trying to write these words on my heart now, so that when Emma is actually old enough to begin to disobey, I will always remember this.  I need to look at her heart, and deal with the sin that is in it, rather than disciplining her because her actions are annoying to me or because I want someone else's approval. I need to guide her heart to the Lord's will and desire for her rather than the selfish and wrong desires that are there now.

For those of you reading this who have children of your own, what do you do in your journey to help lead your little ones to Christ?  Where do you struggle most?  

Sleeping and Eating...

So, this has been a big week for our little bean.  She is taking some big steps towards being a big girl!  We have started sleep training, and we have started her on solids.  So far, one is going great, the other is a struggle...

Let's start with eating!  Look at this video of our baby girl getting her first bite of food! :-)

I am so proud of her!!

For those of you who read this (I'm not sure if it is anyone besides the two grandmas and Danny, who openly said he doesn't usually read it, just looks at the pictures), you may remember my post about how we were going to follow baby-led weaning.  I was fully planning on it, and excited to stick with that plan.  Then, yesterday while I was eating a small cup of applesauce while holding Emma and playing on the computer, she managed to get ahold of the cup after I was finished and get it to her mouth before I could stop her.  And, the look of shear joy on her face when she tasted what little bit was on the sides was quite funny!  She then proceeded to try and lick what was left out of it.  At that point, I decided she was really ready to try eating.  She had been showing an interest in my food for awhile, and she was suddenly ready to devour it.  Unfortunately, she isn't old enough or progressed enough to do baby-led weaning.  She needs to be able to sit unassisted, and while she mostly can, she's still wobbly at times.  I'm also not sure how well she'd do at putting the food in her mouth.  So, I decided that while she was obviously ready and old enough to safely start purees, it wasn't fair to her to keep pushing her off just because I really wanted to try a different method of feeding her.  So, we bought a new blender, some freezer cups, and a baby book, and so will begin our adventures in solid foods!

I still am trying to stick by as much of the BLW rules as I can.  I am making as much of my own food as possible, therefore, I will continue to cook the food with spices and such, rather than making the food bland.  I also plan on moving on to regular solids as soon as she is ready.  I don't want to spend too much time on purees.  I also skipped the whole rice/oatmeal cereal step, and went right into vegetables.  I plan on leaving out grains as long as possible.  I will also try to start feeding her the same things we are eating as soon as she gets a little more proficient at eating.   So, while I'm obviously not following the heart of the BLW, I am trying to do what I can.  Enjoy a few pictures of our cute girl enjoying her first meal!  Oh, and what did she eat?  I cooked some carrots sauteed in olive oil along with minced garlic.  She only took a few bites on the first day, but did better today.

What papa?  Do I have something on my face?

Mom, please no pictures while I look like this!

There is that carrot goodness

Day 2 - enjoying some water while I prepared the food!

Shortly after this pictures was taken, the clothes had to come off to avoid a complete wardrobe change!

Now onto sleep...

Emma doesn't like to sleep, unless she is next to me or in my arms.  She was like this at birth, but stupidly I really thought she'd outgrow that at sometime, or it would at least get better.  Nope, it has gotten exponentially worse.  Here are a few of her habits.

Naps:  Emma won't nap for more than 20-30 minutes unless I am holding her or occasionally if I am napping next to her.  She wouldn't fall asleep on her own, nor could I rock her to sleep.  There was one type of bouncing I could do that would put her to sleep, and then I could ease down into the rocker or bed and hope she stayed asleep.  If I did this too early, she'd wake up completely, and I'd have to start the whole process over again.  Most recently, she had begun to not allow me to put her down at all (not even for those 20-30 minutes).  If I would try to lay her down, she would wake up after about 5 minutes of sleep, and then refuse to go back to sleep.  She would fight her naps by screaming, grunting, and going stiff as a board in my arms, all the while rubbing her eyes constantly and showing many signs of being tired.  I tried to shorten the time between naps, lengthen them, put her to sleep in a swing or her bouncy chair, in the dark, in a cool room, in a warm room, and every other tip I could find.  Nothing changed those habits.

Bedtime: Again, I could only get the bean to sleep by bouncing her in a very specific way.  She would fight this too, but not near as hard.  Then, I had to ease her down into her bouncy chair (as she still refuses to sleep laying flat at night for more than 30 mintues unless she is in bed next to me) as to not wake her.  If I woke her, the process would again start all over again.  Most nights I would repeat this process at least 3 times.  Then, I would leave the room and pray!  At one time she would then sleep for 3-4 hours before waking up the first time.  Then, that time shortened to 2-3 hours, and eventually it is now 30-45 minutes later.  If I give her the bink and put her back down she will then start waking up every 15 minutes screaming until I feed her.  If I feed her the first time, usually I can then get a couple of good hours of sleep out of her.  Danny is not able to put her down or go in to comfort her.  If he picks her up she either screams or decides it must be time to wake up and play.  Either way, when I eventually step in to take over, it will take me a good 1-1.5 hours to get her back down (therefore I chose not to allow him to try).  This means I can't leave the house after she's asleep, because she'll still be awake when I get home, whenever that is.  If she is deciding to wake up ever 15 minutes, I don't get to sit down that night. 

Then, for overnight, she would wake up ever 2 hours or sometimes much less time than that.  She used to refuse to allow me to put her back down any way but to eat.  She would end up waking up fully if I didn't feed her, and then she'd be up for hours.  So, I fed her EVERY time.  After that went on awhile, she decided she also needed a little extra play time at night, and added 2 hour wakings in the middle of every night.  That was fun.  I would usually lay in bed, dreading the next time she woke up, fearing if I made one wrong move then she'd be up the rest of the night.  Oddly, the fear of losing hours of sleep each night in turn made me lose hours of sleep anyway, because I was so stressed.  I dreaded every night, because I knew it would be a constant battle.  If she woke up she wasn't fussy, unless I put her down.  Then she'd play for 10 minutes or so and then start screaming.  So, I'd spend HOURS each night bouncing her to try to get her to fall back asleep.  There were a few times my back would hurt so bad and my arm would be so asleep it is only by the grace of God I didn't drop her.  We have recently found a method that is helping with a few of these problems.  She would usually sleep much better and longer if I put her in bed with me, but as she is such a kicker and thrasher when sleeping, if we are all in bed together, I can't sleep because she'd keep me awake.   So, for the past couple of weeks, Danny has been banished to the guest bedroom so that Emma and I could share the bed.  This has stopped the many night wakings, and has even made it possible to eliminate any feedings between 12-6.  Since she was cuddled up to me, she would allow me to slip the bink in and leave it at that.  This doesn't stop the many wakings (sometimes as many as 7 in 1.5 hours) before going to bed.  Every time Danny wants to enjoy our new theater, it is a stress to me as to whether or not I'll get to sit and enjoy it or spend more time running up and down the stairs to put Emma back down.

I don't say these things to complain, but to let you know where we are at right now, so that you can better understand our choice.  We have started the process of letting her cry it out.  I know many of you out there think this is one of the worst things parents choose to do to their kids, and that by doing so they are causing the babies to lose trust in their parents etc.  Trust me, I worry about these things all the time.  But, I have tried every other method out there that I have been able to find.  I have done everything I know to try, and NOTHING has worked.  If anything, with most new methods I tried, things would only get worse.  I kept waiting for them to get better after they got worse, as most people claimed, but it never happened.  So, after a lot of prayer, reading, and talking to my doctor, we decided it was time for some tough love.  I have been so emotionally, physically, and mentally drained due to our sleep issues, that it has really started to affect me.  For about a month straight, every morning I would wake up with a horribly upset stomach.  Right after that went away, I ended up with the worst headache I'd ever experienced one night, and since that night I haven't woken up one day yet that at some point in the day I haven't had a headache.  I have laid in bed many nights, as I said, a ball of tension and stress waiting for her to wake up and be up for long periods of time, and woken up many early mornings after sleepless nights just laying in bed crying because I didn't have anything left to get out of bed.  So, I have decided that I'm losing my ability to be a good momma at this point.  I don't know how many countless times I've realized the cat's food dish is empty, and I have had no idea how long it's been empty.  I tend to be pretty scatterbrained anyway, but lately it's just BAD.  I'm waiting for my complete sleep deprivation to have some negative impact on Emma, and praying every day that it doesn't.  God has been very faithful in getting me through the days when I just didn't think I had it left.  I know he'll get me through until this whole sleep situation gets resolved.  

So, while you may still not believe any of this justifies allowing my daughter to scream for an hour at a time, without going in to comfort her (that's all we've gotten up to at this point, as we're only doing this at naps for now), I feel as though this is what is right for our family.  Emma is being affected by her lack of sleep, and I am as well.  We're both getting sick, being cranky, and it's only getting worse.  We are all hoping this will turn things around.

Again, please know this isn't my way of venting or complaining.  I know there are many women and families out there who have it far worse than me.  While I may no longer be getting sleep, my daughter is usually happy when she's awake, as long as she's engaged (she likes attention like her papa).  I haven't had any bouts of screaming that has lasted for hours on end, where she was inconsolable.  She is fun, sweet, adorable, and such a joy to have in our lives.  These few months that we deal with sleep issues will be such a small part of her life, that someday (soon) we will look back and it will barely register on the radar.  But, right now things have to change, and this is the only way I know how to change them.  Still, nothing can make you feel like the worst mother ever, than listening to your baby cry for a long time, and not answering those cries.  I doubt myself every time.  

That being said, I can report that after two days of doing CIO during naps, for her third nap today she fell asleep after only 5 minutes of crying.  She still only stayed asleep for 30 minutes, but we're headed in the right direction!  This Saturday we will start the CIO at night as well, and hopefully in a few weeks, we'll have a well rested little bean.

Now, I must get off of here and see if that baby girl is ready to go back to sleep.  We are having one of those wakeful periods I was speaking of earlier, right now.  That would by why I am still up at this time writing a blog when I'm this sleep deprived!  That, and tomorrow is my morning to sleep in!!