Let's start with eating! Look at this video of our baby girl getting her first bite of food! :-)
I am so proud of her!!
For those of you who read this (I'm not sure if it is anyone besides the two grandmas and Danny, who openly said he doesn't usually read it, just looks at the pictures), you may remember my post about how we were going to follow baby-led weaning. I was fully planning on it, and excited to stick with that plan. Then, yesterday while I was eating a small cup of applesauce while holding Emma and playing on the computer, she managed to get ahold of the cup after I was finished and get it to her mouth before I could stop her. And, the look of shear joy on her face when she tasted what little bit was on the sides was quite funny! She then proceeded to try and lick what was left out of it. At that point, I decided she was really ready to try eating. She had been showing an interest in my food for awhile, and she was suddenly ready to devour it. Unfortunately, she isn't old enough or progressed enough to do baby-led weaning. She needs to be able to sit unassisted, and while she mostly can, she's still wobbly at times. I'm also not sure how well she'd do at putting the food in her mouth. So, I decided that while she was obviously ready and old enough to safely start purees, it wasn't fair to her to keep pushing her off just because I really wanted to try a different method of feeding her. So, we bought a new blender, some freezer cups, and a baby book, and so will begin our adventures in solid foods!
I still am trying to stick by as much of the BLW rules as I can. I am making as much of my own food as possible, therefore, I will continue to cook the food with spices and such, rather than making the food bland. I also plan on moving on to regular solids as soon as she is ready. I don't want to spend too much time on purees. I also skipped the whole rice/oatmeal cereal step, and went right into vegetables. I plan on leaving out grains as long as possible. I will also try to start feeding her the same things we are eating as soon as she gets a little more proficient at eating. So, while I'm obviously not following the heart of the BLW, I am trying to do what I can. Enjoy a few pictures of our cute girl enjoying her first meal! Oh, and what did she eat? I cooked some carrots sauteed in olive oil along with minced garlic. She only took a few bites on the first day, but did better today.
What papa? Do I have something on my face?
Mom, please no pictures while I look like this!
There is that carrot goodness
Day 2 - enjoying some water while I prepared the food!
Shortly after this pictures was taken, the clothes had to come off to avoid a complete wardrobe change!
Now onto sleep...
Emma doesn't like to sleep, unless she is next to me or in my arms. She was like this at birth, but stupidly I really thought she'd outgrow that at sometime, or it would at least get better. Nope, it has gotten exponentially worse. Here are a few of her habits.
Naps: Emma won't nap for more than 20-30 minutes unless I am holding her or occasionally if I am napping next to her. She wouldn't fall asleep on her own, nor could I rock her to sleep. There was one type of bouncing I could do that would put her to sleep, and then I could ease down into the rocker or bed and hope she stayed asleep. If I did this too early, she'd wake up completely, and I'd have to start the whole process over again. Most recently, she had begun to not allow me to put her down at all (not even for those 20-30 minutes). If I would try to lay her down, she would wake up after about 5 minutes of sleep, and then refuse to go back to sleep. She would fight her naps by screaming, grunting, and going stiff as a board in my arms, all the while rubbing her eyes constantly and showing many signs of being tired. I tried to shorten the time between naps, lengthen them, put her to sleep in a swing or her bouncy chair, in the dark, in a cool room, in a warm room, and every other tip I could find. Nothing changed those habits.
Bedtime: Again, I could only get the bean to sleep by bouncing her in a very specific way. She would fight this too, but not near as hard. Then, I had to ease her down into her bouncy chair (as she still refuses to sleep laying flat at night for more than 30 mintues unless she is in bed next to me) as to not wake her. If I woke her, the process would again start all over again. Most nights I would repeat this process at least 3 times. Then, I would leave the room and pray! At one time she would then sleep for 3-4 hours before waking up the first time. Then, that time shortened to 2-3 hours, and eventually it is now 30-45 minutes later. If I give her the bink and put her back down she will then start waking up every 15 minutes screaming until I feed her. If I feed her the first time, usually I can then get a couple of good hours of sleep out of her. Danny is not able to put her down or go in to comfort her. If he picks her up she either screams or decides it must be time to wake up and play. Either way, when I eventually step in to take over, it will take me a good 1-1.5 hours to get her back down (therefore I chose not to allow him to try). This means I can't leave the house after she's asleep, because she'll still be awake when I get home, whenever that is. If she is deciding to wake up ever 15 minutes, I don't get to sit down that night.
Then, for overnight, she would wake up ever 2 hours or sometimes much less time than that. She used to refuse to allow me to put her back down any way but to eat. She would end up waking up fully if I didn't feed her, and then she'd be up for hours. So, I fed her EVERY time. After that went on awhile, she decided she also needed a little extra play time at night, and added 2 hour wakings in the middle of every night. That was fun. I would usually lay in bed, dreading the next time she woke up, fearing if I made one wrong move then she'd be up the rest of the night. Oddly, the fear of losing hours of sleep each night in turn made me lose hours of sleep anyway, because I was so stressed. I dreaded every night, because I knew it would be a constant battle. If she woke up she wasn't fussy, unless I put her down. Then she'd play for 10 minutes or so and then start screaming. So, I'd spend HOURS each night bouncing her to try to get her to fall back asleep. There were a few times my back would hurt so bad and my arm would be so asleep it is only by the grace of God I didn't drop her. We have recently found a method that is helping with a few of these problems. She would usually sleep much better and longer if I put her in bed with me, but as she is such a kicker and thrasher when sleeping, if we are all in bed together, I can't sleep because she'd keep me awake. So, for the past couple of weeks, Danny has been banished to the guest bedroom so that Emma and I could share the bed. This has stopped the many night wakings, and has even made it possible to eliminate any feedings between 12-6. Since she was cuddled up to me, she would allow me to slip the bink in and leave it at that. This doesn't stop the many wakings (sometimes as many as 7 in 1.5 hours) before going to bed. Every time Danny wants to enjoy our new theater, it is a stress to me as to whether or not I'll get to sit and enjoy it or spend more time running up and down the stairs to put Emma back down.
I don't say these things to complain, but to let you know where we are at right now, so that you can better understand our choice. We have started the process of letting her cry it out. I know many of you out there think this is one of the worst things parents choose to do to their kids, and that by doing so they are causing the babies to lose trust in their parents etc. Trust me, I worry about these things all the time. But, I have tried every other method out there that I have been able to find. I have done everything I know to try, and NOTHING has worked. If anything, with most new methods I tried, things would only get worse. I kept waiting for them to get better after they got worse, as most people claimed, but it never happened. So, after a lot of prayer, reading, and talking to my doctor, we decided it was time for some tough love. I have been so emotionally, physically, and mentally drained due to our sleep issues, that it has really started to affect me. For about a month straight, every morning I would wake up with a horribly upset stomach. Right after that went away, I ended up with the worst headache I'd ever experienced one night, and since that night I haven't woken up one day yet that at some point in the day I haven't had a headache. I have laid in bed many nights, as I said, a ball of tension and stress waiting for her to wake up and be up for long periods of time, and woken up many early mornings after sleepless nights just laying in bed crying because I didn't have anything left to get out of bed. So, I have decided that I'm losing my ability to be a good momma at this point. I don't know how many countless times I've realized the cat's food dish is empty, and I have had no idea how long it's been empty. I tend to be pretty scatterbrained anyway, but lately it's just BAD. I'm waiting for my complete sleep deprivation to have some negative impact on Emma, and praying every day that it doesn't. God has been very faithful in getting me through the days when I just didn't think I had it left. I know he'll get me through until this whole sleep situation gets resolved.
So, while you may still not believe any of this justifies allowing my daughter to scream for an hour at a time, without going in to comfort her (that's all we've gotten up to at this point, as we're only doing this at naps for now), I feel as though this is what is right for our family. Emma is being affected by her lack of sleep, and I am as well. We're both getting sick, being cranky, and it's only getting worse. We are all hoping this will turn things around.
Again, please know this isn't my way of venting or complaining. I know there are many women and families out there who have it far worse than me. While I may no longer be getting sleep, my daughter is usually happy when she's awake, as long as she's engaged (she likes attention like her papa). I haven't had any bouts of screaming that has lasted for hours on end, where she was inconsolable. She is fun, sweet, adorable, and such a joy to have in our lives. These few months that we deal with sleep issues will be such a small part of her life, that someday (soon) we will look back and it will barely register on the radar. But, right now things have to change, and this is the only way I know how to change them. Still, nothing can make you feel like the worst mother ever, than listening to your baby cry for a long time, and not answering those cries. I doubt myself every time.
That being said, I can report that after two days of doing CIO during naps, for her third nap today she fell asleep after only 5 minutes of crying. She still only stayed asleep for 30 minutes, but we're headed in the right direction! This Saturday we will start the CIO at night as well, and hopefully in a few weeks, we'll have a well rested little bean.
Now, I must get off of here and see if that baby girl is ready to go back to sleep. We are having one of those wakeful periods I was speaking of earlier, right now. That would by why I am still up at this time writing a blog when I'm this sleep deprived! That, and tomorrow is my morning to sleep in!!
